


thoughts 00

by sasukekeke



Series: thoughts [1]
Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:29:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24085138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasukekeke/pseuds/sasukekeke
Series: thoughts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1750237





	thoughts 00

i dont exactly know what im feeling at the moment. its almost bittersweet. 

been thinking about transferring schools for next year. ill be a senior so that means ill only have to survive for one more year. id be going to a school where people from my middle school all mainly go to and its a little scary. i was really shy and never spoke to anyone back then. part of it was just my natural anxious self and the other part was that i was really fat and always felt embarrassed.

once a fat kid, always a fat kid.

i clearly remember sitting alone at that long lunchtable, eating my packed lunch that my mom would make in the mornings and reading a book. to be honest i hated reading. quite ironic considering that i now write as a hobby. it was more so that i wouldnt look so lonely. by having my head stuck in a book i wouldnt have reason to interact with anyone and nobody would disturb me either. i would say that all i wanted was someone to come and talk to me but i dont know if id be telling the complete truth by saying that. i liked being alone, i had gotten used to it and i still like being alone. 

the only thing ive gained by opening up is bad friends and painful memories

i often think to myself, "maybe it wouldve been better if i had never spoken up at all". i think that to be true. i feel like nothing was gained from me being more open. im selfish. i have a bestfriend that i made but does he even like me. i get the feeling almost everyday that we are just drifting away from eachother. i shouldnt get the rights to be sad about it. the amount of times that ive tried to distance myself and he was always there telling me he wouldnt let me. im so selfish. maybe im overthinking everything, its all in my head. well i mean, everything is always in my head.

i feel bad, guilty maybe too. im always so jealous of him, its pretty pathetic. i should be here to encourage him and make him happy but instead im stuck being jealous. i feel like he has such a nice life. he has both girls and guys that crush over him, he has a cute face and bubbly personality, hes really talented and hes good at making and keeping friends. 

its everything that im not.

"what if i was him?". a question that has crossed my mind multiple times. hes so cool and nice, i wish i could be more like him instead of me. i hate the way i am, its embarrassing. i never do anything right, i cant keep a friendship because im the one who always fucks up, i dont talk to anyone at school except for a few people. i say these things in the context of me hating them but its what i keep choosing for myself. i want to be alone, i want to be forgotten but... i dont. 

i wish i could just be recklessly happy. i wish i didnt always have to try to feel happiness and push myself to smile and laugh. i dont know what i want anymore

on top of that i just hate my family. i feel so bad i hate myself. its usually just me and my mom everyday but i have a brother and sister. i barely know my brother since i didnt grow up with him and my sister is a coward who only knows how to run away. does she know how frustrating its always been for me knowing that i shouldnt be alone at home neglected day after day because i have two older siblings who should be taking care of me and loving me and just being there for me. well now im crying haha

i raised myself and nobody has ever helped me. i hate when my parent tries to act like my mom. you didnt do it before so why are you suddenly trying now? its worthless to me now. i hate that i care about my family and none of them have ever batted an eye towards me. i dont want to care anymore. my sister has been the reason ive wanted to kill myself so many times and then she shows up at the house like shes done nothing wrong. i hate seeing her, it makes me want to scream in rage and my parent always gets so happy and excited. pathetic. 

i wish i could just run away, somewhere far where i could walk my dog every morning and take evening strolls at night by myself to take in the fresh air. i just want to be happy already. i guess its something im looking forward to a little bit. a motivation. i want to keep living so that one day i can be happy, fall in love and make a new family where i will never ever let them feel like theyre worthless and unimportant.

the future is near and time is running out but im not scared. im ready to embrace it and leave this past behind.


End file.
